Hospital Chart Mix Up: Newborn Gets Adamantium Skeleton. Wolverine Gets Circumcision

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Image by mohamed Hassan from Pixabay

DR. REYNOLDS visits the TURNERS in their hospital room.

REYNOLDS: Good morning, you two. Mrs. Turner, how we doing?

MRS. JILL TURNER: How is he?

REYNOLDS: Your baby is fine. He just had a little procedure and we’ll be bringing him in very soon. I wanted to go over with you in person a few details, it’s nothing to worry about, there was just a minor hiccup in the system. Again, it’s nothing —

MR. CHRIS TURNER: What do you mean hiccup?

REYNOLDS: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Then we can discuss the good news. And the good news is, your boy —

JILL: Wait, stop. Explain the bad news. You said there was a procedure?

CHRIS: Yeah, what procedure?

REYNOLDS: Of course. From time to time, and it’s extremely rare, there will be a slight complication with the charts, and that’s all that happened. Very minor. For example, let’s say a cup of JELL-O was supposed to go to room 216. Oops, it goes to room 217! Again, it’s not a big issue. What I really want to share with you is the good news.

JILL: What was the procedure? What does that mean? Can we see him?

REYNOLDS: Again, we’ll be bringing him in very, very soon. He’s sleeping peacefully. He’s a very healthy —

CHRIS: Answer my wife. What was the procedure? They said he was having trouble breathing. Is he okay?

REYNOLDS: Mr. and Mrs. Turner, I think I can say with confidence, your son is more than just okay.

JILL: Stop telling us the good news. What procedure? What did you do to him?

REYNOLDS: I’m happy to explain. I just wanted to make sure you understood there’s nothing to worry about.

CHRIS: [to JILL] He’s not even hearing us.

JILL: [to CHRIS] Get someone. I want to see my baby.

REYNOLDS: Please, stay calm. I assure you. I am listening.

CHRIS: Then tell us what we want to know. What did you do to our son? Where is he?

REYNOLDS: Of course. Your son underwent a successful, extremely minor surgical procedure —

JILL: Surgical! You had to do surgery!

REYNOLDS: Again, very minor. Extremely simple. A slightly unique procedure, yes, but straightforward and it’s done, and he is fine.

CHRIS: Why surgery?

JILL: Dear God.

CHRIS: I don’t understand. He was just having trouble breathing!

JILL: What was the surgery? You said…something, “unique”? What’s that mean?

REYNOLDS: Like I said, simple and straightforward. It couldn’t have been easier. The procedure, and don’t let the name worry you, is called adamantium bonding. What we did was —

JILL: What’s adamantium?

REYNOLDS: Well, I think you’ll be pleased to hear, it is the rarest and strongest metal on earth.

CHRIS: What do you mean metal?

REYNOLDS: Let me explain. With adamantium bonding, what we do is, we take a standard, safe amount of warm adamantium and reinforce the osteo-structure.

JILL: Osteo…you mean bones?

REYNOLDS: That’s exactly right. Yes. It’s a reinforcement of the bones. Think of how strong —

CHRIS: I want to see my son. Right now. Where is he?

REYNOLDS: I’ll have him brought in immediately. I just wanted to go over with you —

JILL: Where is he? Where’s my baby!

REYNOLDS quickly goes to the door, looks into the hallway and nods. Three nurses enter, struggling to carry the TURNERS’ newborn son. They hand the baby to MRS. TURNER.

JILL: He’s…heavy! Chris, he’s so heavy!

CHRIS: He’s beautiful.

REYNOLDS: Isn’t he? You have a very strong and beautiful son, Mr. and Mrs. Turner.

JILL: He is beautiful. An angel!

REYNOLDS nods and the three panting nurses leave. He backs up and stands in the doorway.

REYNOLDS: I think I’ll leave you to it.

CHRIS: Look at his little hands. Look at the feet! They’re so small!

JILL: Wait, Dr. Reynolds. You were saying about good news?

REYNOLDS: Oh, there’s good news all right.

CHRIS: And what about bonding, you said? And metal?

REYNOLDS: All perfectly safe. Look at your son! The good news is, Mr. and Mrs. Turner, you are now the proud parents of an indestructible baby boy.

DR. REYNOLDS leaves the cooing TURNERS, goes to his office, and calls for the HEAD NURSE.

HEAD NURSE: You wanted to see me?

REYNOLDS: Close the door. Tell me, The Wolverine, how is he?

NURSE: He’s in a little bit of pain, nothing serious.

REYNOLDS: Morphine?

NURSE: We gave him morphine. But doctor, it didn’t work.

REYNOLDS: Just up the dose —

NURSE: No, the procedure.

REYNOLDS: What do you mean?

NURSE: [whispers] It kept growing back. Doctor, he can’t be circumcised. We tried all night. His ability to heal….I had no idea it was this advanced.

REYNOLDS: So, it didn’t work.

NURSE: No.

REYNOLDS: He’s not circumcised.

NURSE: That’s what I’m saying. It’s impossible.

REYNOLDS: This is good. This is very good.

NURSE: How? When he figures out we couldn’t do it, I’m afraid he’ll hurt someone. He’s not the kind of patient I want to upset. He’s already threatened me, he’s threatened everyone.

REYNOLDS: You don’t understand. The circumcision was for the Turners’ son. The adamantium bonding was for The Wolverine.

NURSE: Oh dear God. What do we do? How did this happen?

REYNOLDS: Quiet. I’m thinking.

NURSE: Wait, can’t we just give him the bonding now? We’ll say we missed a spot and have to put him under again.

REYNOLDS: It’s adamantium. The rarest metal on earth. There’s none left!

NURSE: We’re dead. We’re going to die. What do we do?

REYNOLDS: The only thing we can —

A knock on the door interrupts. REYNOLDS answers. RESIDENT DOCTOR ALLAN hurries into the room.

ALLEN: Doctor?

REYNOLDS: Can this wait? We’re in the middle of something.

ALLEN: Sorry.

REYNOLDS: What is it?

ALLEN: It’s the Turners. They say their son hasn’t been circumcised and they want to talk to you?

REYNOLDS: [pinches bridge of nose] Tell them it’s just swelling. Put ice on it. Elevate it. Stay off it a couple days, and it’ll look like circumcision in a week. Got it?

ALLEN: But —

REYNOLDS: Got it? Are we good?

ALLEN: Yes, Doctor.

REYNOLDS: Good. Go.

ALLEN leaves.

NURSE: So what’s the plan? What do we do?

REYNOLDS: Erase his memory.

NURSE: Can we…do that?

REYNOLDS: We have no choice.

A poverty-stricken, soft Batman. Here are some drawings: arkories.tumblr.com. And here’s a blog: danwilliamsbayou.wordpress.com

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