While driving on the highway recently, I realized I was rolling along within a polite stampede of mid-sized SUVs. They were everywhere. They dominated the road like abandoned goldfish dominate ponds, destroying ecosystems and giving birth to Chaos.
I saw a blue one, a red one, a white one, a green one. Buick, Chevy, Ford, Kia, etc. And every one of these vehicles had the same shape. I call it “soft cube.” It looks like this: imagine a vehicle that has been designed by someone who cares about design. It’s got cool angles: sharp here, curvy there. It stands alone, roaring with personality. Now imagine that vehicle is made of hard candy. Now drive it into the mouth of a gigantic baby who sucks on it for three days. Now make the baby drop it. What comes out of the giant baby’s mouth is the shape of all vehicles now: soft cube.
Remember when cars looked like this?
Now they are all small SUVs, and they look like this:
I’m sure car companies have their reasons. Soft cubes are probably more aerodynamic than the vehicles with fins and ornaments and exterior spare tires and quarter-glass windows and gorgeously lumpy projections of chrome everywhere. And soft cubes are likely cheaper to make. I don’t care. It’s cheaper to roll in mud to cover my nakedness, but I prefer red leather pants.
As I cruised the highway, I studied the SUVs and wondered, “What makes one different from another?” Paint, yes, but that’s nothing. The manufacturer, sure, but everyone knows all car companies are one entity deep down, connected by their great root in hell. So what is it? What’s the difference.
Then I figured it out. It’s the names of the vehicles. They all have different names.
Some have robot names like this: X70A and CS55 and X-90. But many have names like pets and people.
Armada, Artemis, Atlas, Avalanche, and Edge. As well as Escape, Everest, Excursion, Expedition, and Flex.
Landfort and Mountaineer. Pathfinder, Patriot, Raider, Rogue, Scorpio, and Sequoia.
Torrent, Tracker, Trailblazer, Traverse, Trooper, Winstorm, Yeti, and Yukon.
I’m not making this up. These are their real names.
You would think if an SUV was called something like Avalanche or Landfort or was a Patriot or a Yeti, it would look like this:
But no. This is a Yeti:
And this is what a Patriot looks like:
Speaking of which, here is me:
Here’s me if my name was Hot Face Muscle Feast:
I wish car companies had the guts to make their vehicles look like Avalanches and Sequoias. I also wish they named their employees like they name their SUVs.
Here is a Dodge employee:
He is called Mighty Lempo, The Mountain Breaker.
This woman works for Buick:
She is called Agrat The Tortoise, Warlord Of The Abyss.
This man works for Subaru:
He is Gathnar Smash, The Galactic Toad.
Meet this woman. She works at Ford.
She is General Sabnock, Commander Of Wolves.
Here’s a Honda guy:
His name is Azeus Marasmus, The One Who Is Pox.
Allow me to introduce this Chevy lady:
You can call her Grand Princess Captiva The Skin Drinker.
And meet this man. Kia is the company he works for.
Those who know of his might, call him Star Father Sorento, Swallower Of God.
Notice, he is unbuttoning his fabled Astro-Cloak. He is making room for stomach expansion. He is making room for more God.
Beware of this man of Kia.
He is also making room for you.