3 days agoWhale Love In The Time Of PiracyA Maine pirate’s tale — A pirate is this: “A sea-thief, one who without authority and by violence interferes with the property of another upon the sea…” One time, I was kayaking in Branch Pond, a big pond in Maine, and I discovered if I parked my kayak in the water 200 yards from the…Life Lessons5 min read
Jun 19I Eat Misery For Breakfast, MotherAnd I OD on epiphanies. — You’ve gotten stuck in one of life’s miserable ditches and your escape attempts keep you stuck somehow, so your mother says, while pointing at your core, “You know what I think?” “Yes,” you say. “Therefore, technically, and with all due respect, this conversation is over?” Dear God, please stop her…Writing8 min read
Jun 12Give Me Comfort Or Give Me DeathBut please don’t force me to survive — It struck me the other day that I don’t know anything about survival. I’m not a carpenter, so I can’t build shelter, and I don’t hunt, so I couldn’t bring home a forest pig even if I wanted to. And if somehow I did bring home a forest pig, he’d…America6 min read
Published in Human Parts·Jun 4Shaking Hands With ManhoodMy fate would be decided quickly — My wife and I recently visited a technical high school with our son, and in the Construction and Building Trades area, we ran into masculinity trouble. The moment we stepped into the vast and noisy workshop, we were met by the workshop’s ruler: a big man sporting a…Comedy6 min read
May 29Stealing Henry’s BaconEven though that’s all he had — In elementary school, we played a game called “steal the bacon,” and I was one of the great bacon thieves. Here’s how it worked. Two competitors stood at opposite ends of the gym. The bacon, a rag, waited on the half-court line. When the gym teacher wasn’t getting fired for…Childhood9 min read
May 21Quit Your Jobs And Shepherd The Bees With MeFate has willed it — They say teaching is a noble calling, and they’re right. But are you thinking what I’m thinking? Yes, you are. You’re thinking, Most of the people teaching are people who never got the call. They talked the talk, walked the walk, got the job, but in their hearts: not teachers …Teaching6 min read
May 14All Creatures GreatThey really are — My dog’s only defect is that she can’t hug me. Her arms don’t bend that way. This is frustrating because a reciprocal bearhug is the only way for me to express the feeling caused by her extreme cuteness. Without a hug to exorcise the feeling, I fall on the floor…Animals7 min read
May 8It’s Not The Size Of Your SabbaticalNo matter the size, it makes people weird. — I’ve heard from women who experienced pregnancy that a baby in the womb does strange things to strangers: They get handsy. They get talky, saying whatever comes into their weird and wild minds. Imagine you’re out somewhere, anywhere, and you feel a hand on your stomach. You look. You’re expecting…Teaching6 min read
Published in Age of Awareness·Apr 30Student MadnessMy favorite lines from student papers — When I discover student writing that’s delightfully troubling, I copy it into a file called “Student Madness.” I’d like to share with you my absolute favorites. The first one highlights a common problem. Whenever I encounter it, I imagine the author must have left their computer for a moment, going…Teaching5 min read
Published in Human Parts·Apr 23The Rules of Falling DownFollow these rules, and no matter how bad the fall, you’re a winner — My wife drops me off at work in the morning, and most of the time it’s nice. We kiss. We sigh. We offer our traditional farewells: “Let’s quit our jobs and run away to other jobs and quit those and run away forever!” But it wasn’t nice last Monday morning. …Love6 min read
