3 days agoMember-onlyChocolate Dipped CynicismMy first theft — We were a health-food family when I was growing up. The snacks were made of wheat and dust and the drinks had only the sugar our mouths brought to the cup, sugar left over from holidays and the bitter crystallization of our hope and happiness. At relatives’ houses, I’d watch…Childhood8 min readChildhood8 min read
Published in Wholistique·Jan 21Member-onlyWith Meditation, Medication, Counseling, And A HammerSelf-help for biorobots — The other morning, my wife and I were chatting about my flaws, and we came up with a metaphor for what might be wrong with all of us. We talked and talked until suddenly we epiphanied at the same time, which is very rare for most couples. “Eureka!” we both…Self Help4 min readSelf Help4 min read
Jan 14Member-onlyThe Multitudes Of YouRemember when you met yourself for the first time? — On the first day of 4th grade, I had an encounter with something hiding in my head. Our teacher, Mrs. K, was as short as a child, had black hair in an aggressively-perfect bowl cut, and in her skull there lived a magic brain. She covered the classroom walls in…Comedy5 min readComedy5 min read
Published in Human Parts·Jan 7Member-onlyCan I Draw You?The real you? — When Grampa had people over to the house for a visit, people who didn’t know him well, he’d ask permission to draw one of them. “I’m something of an artist,” he’d say. “A hobby artist. But I don’t do landscapes or fruit bowls, only portraits. Would you mind if I…Comedy5 min readComedy5 min read
Dec 30, 2022Member-onlyOf Squirrels And PhysicalsA story about what I saw on the way to getting my downstairs professionally inspected — Mom drove, strangling the steering wheel with both hands. I rode shotgun, strangling my heart with ice-cold stage fright. We were on our way to the doctor’s office where my penis and testicles would be taking an exam. The dreaded elementary school physical. I wanted to be ready for it…Childhood4 min readChildhood4 min read
Dec 24, 2022Member-onlyWhy Didn’t You Tell Us You Were Beautiful?A story of regret — In seventh grade we had a long-term substitute teacher who was a hunchback. That’s the word we used. Being seventh graders, we liked our words from the 18th century, especially if this added that special punch of cruelty. I’ve been a sub. It’s a tough job even with the best…Comedy8 min readComedy8 min read
Dec 17, 2022Member-onlySmall Town Untrained Pig SurgeryA Christmas story — My dad and aunt used to risk their lives in a game of Pig Rodeo. Here’s how you play it. Get a pig pen. Get an extremely mean pig. The Pen You don’t have to be a carpenter. Just find some posts and boards and nails, a big hammer, then think…Comedy5 min readComedy5 min read
Dec 10, 2022Member-onlyDon’t Show Me Your Heaven And I Won’t Show You MineShut up about the afterlife, you’re killing my belief — Do you ever believe in death a little more every day? I do. A little thing can do it. A heart palpitation, knee pain, or the fact that I keep catching myself sitting for too long at windows, watching birds. Why am I so interested in birds now? Why am…Death4 min readDeath4 min read
Dec 3, 2022Member-onlyWe Ruined Biology With Our ChemistryLike gas on a fire, like scalpels in the hands of high schoolers — We thought we knew what school was. Homework, papers, the barbed and poison-dipped social ladder, the endless facts and figures sliding over our long-term memory without making a dent. But then school changed. They gave us knives. They gave us jars full of the dead. I remember the awful smell…Children9 min readChildren9 min read
Nov 27, 2022Member-onlyAfraid Of The Dark, Armed To The Teeth, And Completely IneffectiveTell me your fear-of-the-dark story — To help me conquer my fear of the dark, mother would say, “There’s nothing in the dark that isn’t in the light.” But she would also say, “When you’re scared, read the Bible.” I did, and my fear got worse. Because I found this: “Thou makest darkness, and it is…Childhood8 min readChildhood8 min read
