Published in Human Parts·Updated 3 days agoMember-onlyWhat’s The First Lie You Remember Believing?I was 6. The liar? My best friend. — First grade. Henry Seavey and I were swinging on the swings, swinging and jumping at the highest point and flying and falling and slamming the ground with our rubbery, first-grade bodies, then doing it again. And if this was happening, which it was, then I’m completely certain Henry and I…Humor8 min read
Sep 24Member-onlyAre You A Hemingway Or A Dickinson?And what’s even more important — One of my core beliefs is fang shaped. It was stabbed deep into my foundations. It was stabbed in by Hemingway. This belief sees the mind as a meatgrinder. When you pack the hopper with thrilling, gritty experiences, you’ll crank out thrilling writing that fills readers with useful grit. It…Writing4 min read
Sep 18Member-onlyDear The Rich PeopleA daydream promised this story will cause epiphanies — The rich man stood on the edge of the deepest hole in history. His sneakers gleamed. The toes of his sneakers, an inch over the edge and angling down, caused onlookers to moan with dread and excitement.Comedy11 min read
Sep 11Member-onlyYou Can Lead A Child To Asphalt, But Only Scooters Can Make Him EatOur best teacher: the hard way — As we watched our son start rolling down the big hill on his Razor Scooter, we realized I’d never taught him how to brake. Say what you will about Razors. Complain. They’re too fast? They’re too fun? Their tiny front wheel is super snobby about pebbles and cracks and will…Childhood7 min read
Sep 3Member-onlyYou’re A Miracle. I’ve Done The MathReally, how are you here? — Everything is so close to not existing, it terrifies me. Take me, for example. As you know, I’m only here because my great-great-grandfather coughed on a dock, and this cough had a whooping sound, which made a shipyard boarding agent say, “Get out of here, and take your whoop with…Comedy4 min read
Aug 27Member-onlyWhen Death Becomes Old Hat, Make A New HatWelcome to The School Of Death School — My wife and I went to a funeral. Our boy got to stay home. “We’re going,” I told him. “Where you going again?” he said. I sighed. “A funeral.” “At least it’s not a wedding.” Truth. Now I will tell you my wedding secret. If someone invites me to a…Death8 min read
Aug 20Member-onlyWake Up, Subconscious, You’re StupidHow can you not know what’s going on by now? — Sometimes I wake up at 3AM and I’m so awake that staying in bed feels like being held underwater. I must escape. Mindy, the belovèd wife of my youth, says, “Try going back to sleep.” I say, “YOU try going back to sleep.” But she’s already asleep. I occasionally manage…School8 min read
Aug 13Member-onlyAn Elder On The Stage But A Freak In The TeethThe old man laughed and I saw his secret — In my childhood church, the man who led the singing had an odd laugh. He was an elder with a giant head wreathed in black steel wool. When he wasn’t eldering, he was a repossession agent. …Church6 min read
Published in Down in the Dingle·Aug 6Member-onlyThe Gift Of The Pig HeadThe horror that led the boy home — Seventy-five years ago, when my friend was a little girl, she went on a family outing requiring her to carry a pig’s head on her lap. …Childhood7 min read
Jul 30Member-onlyFor The Love Of Gossip And Serial KillersWhy can’t I look away? — My little family drove to Maine and back, and both ways, while my son was safely hooked up to an intravenous drip of Marvel, my wife and I listened to a serial killer podcast. Jack the Ripper, Edmund Kemper, H.H. Holmes, the Eyeball Killer, and Elizabeth Báthory: The Blood Countess.Humor5 min read
