1 day agoQuit Your Jobs And Shepherd The Bees With MeFate has willed it — They say teaching is a noble calling, and they’re right. But are you thinking what I’m thinking? Yes, you are. You’re thinking, Most of the people teaching are people who never got the call. They talked the talk, walked the walk, got the job, but in their hearts: not teachers …Teaching6 min read
May 14All Creatures GreatThey really are — My dog’s only defect is that she can’t hug me. Her arms don’t bend that way. This is frustrating because a reciprocal bearhug is the only way for me to express the feeling caused by her extreme cuteness. Without a hug to exorcise the feeling, I fall on the floor…Animals7 min read
May 8It’s Not The Size Of Your SabbaticalNo matter the size, it makes people weird. — I’ve heard from women who experienced pregnancy that a baby in the womb does strange things to strangers: They get handsy. They get talky, saying whatever comes into their weird and wild minds. Imagine you’re out somewhere, anywhere, and you feel a hand on your stomach. You look. You’re expecting…Teaching6 min read
Published in Age of Awareness·Apr 30Student MadnessMy favorite lines from student papers — When I discover student writing that’s delightfully troubling, I copy it into a file called “Student Madness.” I’d like to share with you my absolute favorites. The first one highlights a common problem. Whenever I encounter it, I imagine the author must have left their computer for a moment, going…Teaching5 min read
Published in Human Parts·Apr 23The Rules of Falling DownFollow these rules, and no matter how bad the fall, you’re a winner — My wife drops me off at work in the morning, and most of the time it’s nice. We kiss. We sigh. We offer our traditional farewells: “Let’s quit our jobs and run away to other jobs and quit those and run away forever!” But it wasn’t nice last Monday morning. …Love6 min read
Apr 16Sort Of An Easter Story: It’s Got A Tomb And The Devil And Unbelievers And Jesus And A MotorcycleAnd it’s all true — My great aunt had a toilet that didn’t flush. It burned. I’m serious. It was an incinerator toilet called the “Destroylet,” and it burned your turds with fire. It made you feel like you shit fire, which is excellent for self-esteem.Easter4 min read
Apr 9Know Thyself? Done. I’m Batman.For a brief moment, I really was — My students and I recently made a funny video, and guess what miraculous thing happened to me because I wrote and directed the video? I was Batman.Batman3 min read
Apr 2A Very Short Story About The Mystical Intelligence Of CowsIt scares me a little — I worked on a farm in high school. It had horses, chickens, cats, an adulterous farmer, and about fourteen cows. One day, the farmer decided to sell one of our cows. Here’s how he picked the one who would go. He stood at a distance from the herd and said…Animals4 min read
Mar 26I Finally Learned To Stop Hating The Beach BoysI AM the beach — I’ve had a grudge against The Beach Boys for a long time. I’d hear those boys reducing the human experience to fast cars, blonds, and the hedonistic summer activity of the rich and hell bound: Beach leisure. When I go to the beach, I dig a grave. Look:Music4 min read
Published in Age of Awareness·Mar 19Are Children Truly Creative?Not necessarily — Sometimes, I break the stony-dead silence of English 101 students by sharing my theory about children. ME: Children aren’t creative. STUDENTS: Yes they are. ME: Not necessarily. STUDENTS: We are intrigued. Though it is against our nature, we will now engage in this fascinating discussion. TRULY CREATIVE STUDENT: Speak on…Children5 min read
